Remember Me

Pace Fletcher Burton was born on September 8, 2010. 2 weeks early, he was a healthy 6lb 3oz baby boy. The pregnancy was a breeze and the delivery also surprisingly easy. It was a miracle that I was able to share the birth with my Mom, as well as my two “sisters”, Anna and Amanda. Being a mom myself made me so happy, our hearts fit together. He made my life whole. He was my first. I was proud of him. He was mine. Pace opened my soul. I looked forward to the day I would tell him all of these things… but that day will never come.

On our first day home I cried thinking of the years when he would not let me hug him in public or when he would go off to college. 18 years down the road and I already stressed over him being away from me. Clothes quickly became too small and were put to the side with a tear. It was going too fast. When other parents told me to enjoy it while it lasts I told them to hush; I know now the prophetic truth in their words. I constantly said I wanted my son to stop growing. I wish more than anything that this reality was not true but, in fact, Pace will never grow. Pace will always be a baby. My baby will never grow.

I wondered if the “motherly love” instinct would hit me, and it did. No longer annoyed by babies, I wanted to hold each and every one that crossed my path. I can’t believe the feelings of warmth and happiness being a mom brought me. In the first week during my sleep I almost forgot the new gift in my life, each time I woke was “like Christmas,” a dream, I would say. Now when I wake the exact opposite is true. SIDS took him from me on a night I will never forget. I found Pace on his back with his head to the side. His lips were blue and when I felt him he was cold. I searched for a pulse, in panic I laid my ear to his mouth and tried to feel breath, his sweet little hand was limp when I moved him. This heart-wrenching terror and pain is something I dread for any mother, past and future, who SIDS has or will strike. Waking up is no longer a dream for Pace is not in my arms.

Pace had a crooked smile, he recognized my voice, he laid on his side while we breastfed, he enjoyed a warm bath (but he hated getting out), he liked his legs and arms to be moved and he would slightly keep the motions going when I took a break, he had my lips, he watched a football game with his uncle Ross, he and I calmed and comforted each other during “skin to skin” time, he met Santa, he moved his mouth when I talked to him as if speaking with me, he was just starting to reach for my hands, he had the cutest gums and I could tell where his teeth would be, he was able to meet his great-grandparents (Mimi and Normi), he hated the aspirator, he liked being rocked in the nursery, he immediately fell asleep in a carrier, he had a dog named Boo, he listened to the sound machine heartbeat, he had a large white blanket, he enjoyed his Grandma’s chest for his evening nap, he had big feet that curled up and under when we held him, he had a mobile that plays Beethoven, he loved being walked, he had soft strawberry-blonde hair, he was starting to raise his head, he fussed through the process but loved being swaddled, he sent pictures/videos to Grandpa Dave and Nana in Memphis, he looked back at me, he often had the hiccups and they didn’t seem to bother him as I thought they would, he spent man-to-man time with Grandpa Tim, he slept when I clipped his nails to keep him from scratching his face, he uninhibitedly stretched and yawned which were my favorite things in the world, he had a rattle on his wrist the very last day, he whimpered at night when he was hungry, he liked his i-ya from Grandma the most (i-ya was his pacifier, this being the noise he made when we put it into his mouth), he had his father’s eyebrows, he sucked my finger and I love feeling the ridges on the roof of his mouth, he hated being changed, he had big blue eyes, he enjoyed facing the light, he had fingers and toes that melt my heart, he would always calm down and was at ease when I sang to him. This song, forever his song -

“Life is like a mountain railroad, with an engineer that’s brave.

We must make the run successful, from the cradle to the grave.

Watch the hills, the turns, and tunnels, never falter never fail.

Keep your hand upon the throttle and your eyes upon the rail.

Blessed savior now will guide us, ‘til we reach that blissful shore,

Where the angels wait to join us, in that great forever more.”

Pace’s ever-loving mother,

Jenn